Friday, May 16, 2014

Man Vs Wild Parody Fan Fiction

Base Camp.......

Day One
What a really odd day it had been.... One second I was starting a playalong for Man vs. Wild the game and then I was hit by some weird beam that came out of the television screen... Then I blacked out... Well all I remember is my YouTube name is BlackReDragoness... Weird thing is I forgot my actual name!

I looked down at my hands... I was wearing leather grip gloves and my clothing was... Well different. The last thing I remember was being in my room... But I was definitely not there anymore... The sky was blue but had a hint of storm in the air. The air was cold and bitter... From the looks of it I was in probably.... North America... I placed my hand down and carefully pulled myself up off the ground. I snuffed in the air... It was clearly not fake. I reached down and pulled up a large pile of dirt... Not fake. I had no freaking idea where I was. But from the looks of it... Well how do I put this...? It seemed I was in man vs. wild the game... I found what seemed to be a leather book in the backpack... It read mission briefing. I skimmed over the card... Apparently it was true! If I was to return home it would seem that I have to beat the game. The first thing on the list was to start the obstacle course and climb up the large climbing wall... I placed the book into the pack and started my search for the climbing wall. It seemed easy to find but apparently not. I found it after a few hours searching. The wall was at least fifty feet high. No easy feat to climb.

I had to try... I reached out for the first rung and like that I began climbing. Step after step I moved up the wall.... Just like in gym class one false move and it may be your last. I reached my hand over the last rung and onto the flat surface... As I pulled myself up I found that the next task was going to be fun... Just to be sure I pulled out the notebook. Just as I suspected a repelling ride down to the ground again! The only problem is I don't have a rope repelling tool... So I will have to make one with my shirt. I set the pack on the ground and stripped off my shirt... Then replaced the pack onto my back... With that I braised to go... I hooked the shirt around the rope and then looped it a few times before I was certain it would work... Then I made the move...

I slung along the rope with sheer speed... At first it scared me but it was a lot of fun. I came to the end of the line and released one hand and came down hard into a roll to disperse the force. I gathering my shirt and found it shattered in shreds. crap I whispered. I placed the shirt into my backpack. Time to move! Before I continued I pulled out the notebook... I scanned the next task... Great I muttered... Not only do I suck at the. Ext task but I have to crawl under barbed wire!

I came to a stop at the wired fortress... It was a hundred yard crawl under barbed wire. I was not going to get anywhere without trying. I dropped to my stomach and began the long crawl to the opposite end of the forest. When I made it to the other side I was covered in mud and dirt. I was also extremely thirsty. Luckily the gear I was carrying had a canteen full of fresh water! It occurred to me after I had gulped it all down that I should have conserved it. I stowed the canteen into my bag... The next thing on the list is to... You gotta be joking me! Fight a snake!?!?

I had no freaking idea how I was going to do that. But as I moved along I seemed to form a idea in my head how to do such a task. I decided that I would need a stick and a knife... Both were in my possession. I armed the knife in one hand and the stick in the other and slowly approached the giant snake... It was definitely a poisonous snake... A cottonmouth. As I approached the snake seemed to sense me turned and hissed. I quickly pulled the stick and swatted the snake before it could bite me... Then I quickly jumped around it to its back... Then I made my move... I used the sticks forked end to snag its head down... Then unwillingly stabbed it in the neck... It went limp. I sat back panting from the fight.

I can cross off kill a poisonous snake from a list of twenty five things to do in my life. I quickly placed the dead snake into my bag and pressed on. Apparently finding a snake wasn't enough... Next up I had to prove my skills in fishing... I came to a large pond... It was probably a good enough place to refill my empty canteen. I pulled it out and sunk it into the running water... When it was filled I quickly gulped some down then refilled it again... Common sense I suppose. I turned around to the large pond... In it were two giant catfish swimming around minding their own business. It was a shame I had to kill one... But this was survival! What would bear Ghrylls do!? He would kill it that's for sure. I waded into the pool and quickly found that catching a fish was easier said than done... But it was not impossible. I first needed the correct gear. I needed a spear! I rummaged through my pack until I located the stick but alas I was still missing a tip...

Something caught the corner of my eye... A dead bird... I moved in for a closer look. It had died from natural causes. I picked the stick up out of my bag and began to poke at it... The bird was still in one piece but I had an idea... What better to use for an arrow than a bird beak!? The bird wasn't going to use it. I pulled out my knife once more and sliced the beak off and then used a tad bit of rope to fastened the beak onto the end of the stick. It was old fashion but it would do the trick.

I waded back into the water and slowly approached the fish... It was all about patients... I aimed my thrusts to the right moment and that would surely catch me a fish. The first fish approached me most likely out of curiosity. I jabbed... Missing by a foot. I cursed and set myself up again. I was wasting precious resources... And energy. I waited till another one was stupid enough to swim past and hit it right through the head... It immediately flailed and I struggled to keep hold on it. I waited till it died before I started to cut the meat out of it... There would be enough for one full meal. That is if I could get a fire going... Not a good idea to eat it raw that's for sure... I pulled out the notebook and scanned the pages till I located a suitable fire mound to build... I moved quickly from the look of the sky I would say that night was coming. I ran towards a large narrow trail that seekers to be slowly going at a decline. I just hoped the night would come later. I stopped at a large wide open hill... On all four corners were four trees... Perfect spot I thought. I pulled out the notebook and quickly scouted the area for the correct gear. It said that to build it I needed logs and timber... Both were plentiful in this area. I found a small flat area and quickly set the material in a circular pattern then laid the sticks up right. Now all I need was a fire... I pulled out a knife and a flint... Somehow they had appeared as if by magic! I had a small experience with this kind of thing. I quickly struck the knife blade against the flint... Causing a small spark to float down into the piles of timber... Good so far! I then hit yet another strike this time the smell of smoke was present. I needed one more blow! I hit right on the target... Not too shabby. I knelt down and carefully blew on it till it went up in flames.

I couldn't believe it I made fire!!! I felt a sudden pain in my stomach... Empty I thought. I approached the fire and then found the meat in my bag... I pulled it out and placed it on a stick... Then I slowly roasted it over the fire slowly and careful not to burn it. When it was done enough for me I gobbled it down. Heck yah! Next up... Make a shelter. It was going to be a long day in the morning so I will need all the sleep I can get.

Once again I referred to the notebook... I found a small triangle shelter... It was well in my budget if you know what I mean. I gathered the gear and skillfully constructed it. I reproached the fire to warm up before I went to bed. I then crawled under the shelter and fell into a deep sleep.


Day Two:
I woke up feeling well refreshed. But on the bad news... My water was running low. I moved on... The notebook said the next and final objective is to go skydiving... Crazy as it sounds it was in plain English. I took off following the trail towards the end of the forest... And there I found a giant dock with a huge plane that reach, Man Vs Wild on its side in giant letters... Kind of hard to miss if you ask me. I quickly climbed up to the dock and knocked on the planes door... Weird enough it slide open... I boarded and the plane took off. I clutched my stomach... If there's was one thing I hated more than killing it is planes... I had never sky dived in real life so I expected this to be... Hard... I strapped on my parachute and quickly moved towards the door. I peered out into the blue horizon... It was clearly twenty thousand feet to the ground. I was about to jump but before I could I was thrown out from a bump. Howling I fell to the blue skies. I felt my stomach leave me and for the first time in my life wanted to throw up but I couldn't. I found the ground approaching fast so I did what any parachuted would do... Pull the ripcord. I was jerked to a quick stop... I floated powerless into the water below... Luckily I wasn't too far out in the water. I swam to shore and checked my gear... It had all stayed dry luckily. I scanned the last page of the notebook... It read, escape the base camp... Easy enough... But then I realized that the base camp was only the beginning!!!" I followed the trail up to the large rock wall and made a fast jump... I pulled myself up to find the plane was parked there waiting for me....

Well here we go again!!

Rocky Mountains

Day One:
I scanned around the planes... Apparently it was large enough. I pulled on the parachute bag and moved towards the planes doors. I forcefully pulled them open... It was another one of those days I guess. I peered down into the deep abyss of air... I have to plan this jump perfect or... Well... Less just hope it doesn't come to that.... I crossed my arms and fell out.

I plummeted towards the ground at a high velocity... I was tempted to immediately pull the cord but that would be disastrous. I waited till I came to about a few hundred feet before I pulled it. I looked around... Just as I suspected I was a pure noob. I plowed straight into a large tree. I was stuck at the very top. Some way or another I need to get down. I then realized that I had all the stuff I needed on me now. I pulled out the pocket knife and sliced a large piece of the cord and made myself a ticket down... I quickly repelled to the ground kicking then gripping, kicking then gripping. On the ground I quickly reclaimed the rope by ripping it out of the tree. Weird as it was it was still able to hold my weight... I coiled it up and shoved it into my bag. I then pulled the new notebook out for this mission... I went I've the main goals... Get your bearings, camp the night in the Rockies, Get to the river, locate animals of interest, and locate rare plants... Well the last two are not as important... But what was for certain I had a long day ahead of me. I had to find a place to get my bearings... What better place then atop of a giant mountain... Not until I first climb up a sheer wall of rocks then walk around a long rather big log, followed by yet another large nearly impossible climb up a sheer cliff... I yawned... I wish I had cheat codes...

I made my way to the long log that spanned the length of a small creek... It was nearly nine feet deep... Not a good idea to climb under it no way up. I had to walk it. I held my arms out like an eagle and then slowly walked along the thin log. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. God I hate myself. I was halfway across web I made a false move... I quickly attempted to regain my balance and successfully did so. I continued on to the other side.


Once off the log I found the hill evened off. I soon came to a small stream... I pulled out the large canteen and emptied it contents into my mouth... Then I refilled it and moved on. As I headed towards the next stop I was thrown to a halt... Up on the mountain was a giant... Ram!! It sounded more or less like a giant dinosaur roaring. I guess this counted as animal of interest. I spotted the next obstacle... A small ledge that led to the next climbing wall... The bad news... Well... It was a drop off on both sides! So I was screwed if I messed up. Nervously I attempted the feat. I couldn't help but look down... Below the drop ended into a deep pond... Not where I wanted to be. I made it halfway to the other side when the ledge broke apart... I quickly steadied myself not wanting to think about what would happen if I died in this game... One thing was for sure if the game recording software was still on this would make hell of a recording.

I made it to the other side panting for water... This time I conserved my water by only drinking enough to refuel my energy. I then approached the next obstacle... Obviously it was like in the training course... A giant mount side that had places to climb up... I began by pulling myself up the first rock... Then found a giant wall with plants growing along its sides... I also found it had just the right amount of places to grip onto. I placed my hand in between a crack that had formed from excessive weathering... Then pulled myself up to the next crack all while placing my foot into the lower crack... I then carefully reached up for the next crack only found my footing was messed up... A rock had dislodged itself causing me to slip and nearly fall... I swung my chest hard into the wall and dug my hand into the crack and found my grip once more... Fuck that was close I thought.... I continued up until I was over the top of the wall... I found that next I have to walk along another skinny ledge... I leaned my chest against the wall and slowly step by step inched to the other side. Luckily this time I didn’t have any accidents. I had two more walls to climb till I came to the top...

I took a small break next to a small pile of odd plants... It was weird but it seemed that they were unknown to me... I pulled out my notebook and skimmed the pages for the plants information but none came up... Well it seemed easier than I thought to find rare items. I yanked one of the plants up out of the ground and into my bag... Then carried on.

The second climbing wall seemed to have an odd angle... I found that it was hard on the body... And personally I'm no bear Ghrylls. Eventually the top of the mountain had appeared... I got up onto the top and immediately collapsed in exhaustion. I pulled out the canteen and gulped down the last of my water... It would be the last for a while. I need to find a good place to stare out into the location... Like a vista... I looked around and then realized there was a snake guarding a rock that seemed I lean out over the edge of the cliff top. I could use the meat... I approached the giant snake and found it was a large... Poisonous snake... That's about all I knew I would have to look it up later... I found a stick lying on the ground and quickly jabbed at the snake... Then I pinned the snake down and twisted its neck. Then I pulled out the snakes guts and found as little meat as I could and stored it in my bag. Then I approached the vista... My heart sank deep into my chest... The view was magnificent... Take the most beautiful thing you've seen then double it... Due to the sun sinking low giving the area an orangish and red glow and the large lake and various mountains placed around it brought out the feeling of pleasure and well... Happiness. I scanned around the whole placed seemed to go on for miles and the place was surrounded by large mountains. I wish I could have stayed longer but I need to move on... It was getting dark...

I took a seat on a large tree stump. I pulled out my notebook and scanned the pages... The next task said to camp the night in the Rockies... But that seemed to be a problem... There were no supplies here to build it... I need to get down the mountain and scuff down to the ground. I walked around the edge of the mountain till I located a large slope... Too steep to walk down so I will have to slide down... Easy enough I thought.

I began by slowly walking... Then I began to slide... I lost my balance and quickly fell to my back... Luckily the hill wasn't too big... I got up and brushed the mud off my pants... Then I moved on... I realized that this was a test... Following this was two choices of routes... Either a giant hill with large rocks scoured around that seemed to be sharp enough to kill me... Then the second choice was another large hill still with rocks but led to the area I had found the large water source... I sure could use the water... I decided to go with the water route...

I slide down the incline carefully dodging the rocks and then rolling at the end... I approached the large creek and refilled my canteen and then emptying it then refilling it. Then I sat down and looked over the notebook... It seemed that before I could go camp out I have to first get to an area... I had to construct a sling and rope... Meaning I need a bird beak. And some parachute cable... I scanned the bag for some rope and found it... Now to find a beak.... I spent approximately ten minutes on the search but no luck... It seemed more likely to use a rock than a beak so that's what I did.

I climbed up into the large tree and began to aim the swinging projectile at the branch on the opposite side. No easy way... After five attempts I finally snagged it onto the tree branch... Now to repel. I found a small tool hidden in a pouch of my bag that had a rotating wheel and a handle. At least I wasn't using my shirt this time.

At the bottom I began the final trek to the area that I am to camp at... Along the way I collected water and some sticks... When I made it to the area I noticed three things. One was the weather was dropping fast, there was a bees nest on the far edge and the place was littered with vines. It was going to get cold real fast. I approached a spot that appeared good enough for a fire pit. I pulled out the notebook and skimmed for a type of pit that is build able with these available materials.

It turned out the best choice would be a tri-fold pit... I found sticks and made a triangle teepee then placed the timber under the wood... Then I got to work on igniting it... I then stuck the flint and the knife till I caught a spark... Then I carefully blew on it till it ignited. Warmth Thank God!!!" I sat down next to it and started to doze off... That was until I was hungry... My stomach growled... I need food. I pulled out the snake meat and cooked the meat... So good!!! I got up and quickly got to work building a shelter... Making a trip to and from the fire to prevent myself from freezing. After I located the last few items I found the rest... Well... Near the bee hive!
I made a dash and swiped the branch and quickly made it to the fire... I had only a few stings... Nothing that is fatal. I finished up the shelter and decided to call it a day...


Day Two:
I suddenly woke up as if it was morning... The sky was dark but I could hear something moving around outside... I peered around and then I knew I was in for a run... Ever heard of the phrase if you see a bear run for your life... Well that's what I did... I rolled out of the shelter and quickly picked up the pass running towards the hidden trail that was begin the bee hive... I turned to see the bear gaining on me... I kept going not knowing where the next spot is... I came to a stop to take a break when I found that I was clearly in a bad predicament... The trail ended with a large drop of with large rocks as being the only way across... I made my choice... I leaped into the first rock careful not to fall. Then I jumped to the next rock.

The last rock was a large running jump. I was crazy to attempt but I landed with great accuracy. I looked up ahead... There was a small path.... But it went into a ditch... The only way across was by crossing over a log... I approach stud lot and sure enough the large bear had crossed the gorge... He was clearly tempted and wanted me dead... I began to cross... On the other side... I could hear running water off in the distance! I charged towards it...

Upon closer examination I had a few miles to go... On top of the hill a large puma was searching for food... Note to self don't play this game again... I approached the puma and it charged at me... I freaked out and drew my knife... The puma swatted at me with its claws... I dodge right; dodge left and then made my attack... I pounced onto the large cat... I rode it for a few seconds before I let it off... It darted out of the way and into the forest. Not what I had in mind...

I kept up the pace and once again ran smack into that big bear... "Really come on you stupid bear give me a stinking chance!" I kind of yelled that into the open... I slid into the hill and jumped for my life... I plummeted into the river... It would have been fine of the river was low current but instead it was a struggle to keep afloat. I spotted a small strip of land and took my chance... I struggle towards the strip then kicking the ground until I could touch... I was going to die!! I made one final attempt and hit the ground...

I crawled up onto the land and found that I was beginning to freeze... I needed a fire.  I located a place to dry out and began to gather the sticks and the logs to build a new type of fire pit... A mud oven. It was big and capable of cooking the food for me. I place the wood and the logs into a pit then I light it up...  Then I pulled out the notebook and dried it off. I looked around the large island... There was a small pond with two catfish... Food!!! I began to find some tools to catch it but all I had was my hands... The pond was small enough and I defiantly was hungry I will catch it by hand.

I dove in and wrapped my hand around the giant catfish. It wriggled in my hand and I finished it off with a stab in the head. Now I have to cook it... I carry the fish over to the oven and placed it inside... I must have kept it inside for too long because when it came out it was charred... I choked it down. I sat for a while bored... I then decided to check the notebook for my next task... It showed that I have to raft down the river... But I have no raft. Of course.

I messed around with the junk and I found that there was something lodged in the fridge... I pried it open and found a shaggy raft that was more or less a dingy. I had to move... I placed the raft into the water and climbed in... Then I pushed off...

The river carried me at a fast speed all I had to do was to kick in the opposite direction I needed to go... The river dropped down at most three to five large waterfalls... Each time getting bigger... I came to the last drop and the raft broke and I was thrown into the water... I kicked to the surface and managed to get to the surface... I clamped onto a large log... Above the sound I a helicopter was evident. I was saved!!! I crawled along the log towards the helicopter and with one jump climbed aboard...

I looked at my body... Completely covered in mud and dirt... I was soaked and tired... But my mission was far from over... Next stop the Everglades!!



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